In his best-selling book The Power Of Now, Eckhart Tolle argues that if you are completely conscious of the present moment, you won't have to rely on external things for happiness and will discover an inner joy.
While many are sceptical about the promises of self-help experts, the idea of being happy in the present - free from worries about the past or fears over the future - is undoubtedly appealing.
Tolle suggests that a simple way of reconnecting to the "now" is to think about your breathing or to spend time contemplating nature.
SLOW DOWN: Do you eat breakfast while listening to the radio and reading the newspaper? It may be a familiar scene, but trying to do five things at once makes it difficult to fully enjoy any of the activities you are involved in. Slow down, taking your time over things that you normally rush, and you will find that you are calmer and more focused on the moment.
ACCEPT YOUR LIFE: Many of us are plagued by the idea that there is something better we could be doing. If you find yourself looking at a beautiful sunset alone and saying to yourself, "This is so romantic - it would be so nice if only I was here with so-and-so," you are preventing yourself from enjoying the experience as it is. Try to avoid allowing such thoughts to distract you from the present.
LET GO: You can't change the past, so there is not much point stewing over things that have already happened. Similarly, try to stop worrying about the future. Many of us spend a lot of time fretting about what might happen, and mulling over potential scenarios in our mind. While this is a fairly common way of preparing ourselves for bad things that might occur, it wastes a lot of emotional energy - energy which could be better directed into the "now". - The Independent
Monday, November 8, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
LOOKING FOR TRUE LOVE? TAKE YOUR TIME.
New York - Couples who get to know each other before being intimate have a better chance of having a lasting relationship, but in some cases even a casual fling can lead to true love, according to a new research.
Most of the 56 percent of 642 adults questioned in the study who said they had waited until they got serious before they had sex reported having a high quality relationship.
The number was higher than for the 27 percent of people who had sex while dating casually and the 17 percent who were intimate while in a non-romantic relationship.
"There's something about the characteristics of people who wait before sex that is linked to higher-quality relationships," said sociology professor Anthony Paik of the University of Iowa.
Paik, who reported the findings in the journal Social Science Research, said the research suggests that the courtship process acts as a screening mechanism.
"The debate is 'why can't we have sex now?' The expectation is that sex should occur very quickly. But doing so, you're losing out on some information that might be useful," he explained in an interview.
It's almost an economic equation, he added.
"On average, the more costly the process leading into the relationship, the more likely it is to work. That's what the data would suggest."
But Paik said the findings did not show that an early sexual relationship had a direct negative impact on relationships.
When he filtered out people who said they had frequent non-romantic or casual dating sexual relationships he found that the gap in relationship quality between serious and nonserious contexts of sexual activity disappeared.
"It means it's possible for two strangers to lock eyes in a bar, and go home together, and actually end up in a long-term relationship," Paik said
The reason more people who have sex in a non-romantic relationships report lower quality relationships has more to do with who we are than when we chose to have sex, said Paik.
Certain people are simply prone to finding relationships less rewarding, and they are more likely to have sex in casual relationships.
Most of the 56 percent of 642 adults questioned in the study who said they had waited until they got serious before they had sex reported having a high quality relationship.
The number was higher than for the 27 percent of people who had sex while dating casually and the 17 percent who were intimate while in a non-romantic relationship.
"There's something about the characteristics of people who wait before sex that is linked to higher-quality relationships," said sociology professor Anthony Paik of the University of Iowa.
Paik, who reported the findings in the journal Social Science Research, said the research suggests that the courtship process acts as a screening mechanism.
"The debate is 'why can't we have sex now?' The expectation is that sex should occur very quickly. But doing so, you're losing out on some information that might be useful," he explained in an interview.
It's almost an economic equation, he added.
"On average, the more costly the process leading into the relationship, the more likely it is to work. That's what the data would suggest."
But Paik said the findings did not show that an early sexual relationship had a direct negative impact on relationships.
When he filtered out people who said they had frequent non-romantic or casual dating sexual relationships he found that the gap in relationship quality between serious and nonserious contexts of sexual activity disappeared.
"It means it's possible for two strangers to lock eyes in a bar, and go home together, and actually end up in a long-term relationship," Paik said
The reason more people who have sex in a non-romantic relationships report lower quality relationships has more to do with who we are than when we chose to have sex, said Paik.
Certain people are simply prone to finding relationships less rewarding, and they are more likely to have sex in casual relationships.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
EVERY MARRIAGE NEEDS A FLING
Throwing things, as all well-behaved children know, is not acceptable.
Most weary moms spend a good proportion of their time reminding their little brats that lobbing a ball/brick/toy/bowl of muesli at the floor/wall/dog/mom's head is Not A Good Thing.
It's only when you reach adulthood that you realise this is a fib: there are times when throwing something is a Very Good Thing Indeed.
'When my husband yells that I'm a difficult old haddock, well, then I know he really cares'
There is nothing like lobbing an onion at the head of a patronising partner to soothe deepest irritation. And I have it on good authority that the odd plate hurled at a wall in times of emotional crisis can pretty much save a marriage.
Most couples have been happily chucking stuff at each other for years - plates, pillows, threats, insults. But all that is about to change. In future, if Britons so much as raise a side plate in anger, they're likely to be carted off to court.
The Crown Prosecution Service has produced a policy document which stipulates that crockery throwing, along with "undermining your partner's social status" and financial bullying, is not acceptable between spouses any longer.
Of course, anything that lessens the risk of serious domestic violence for women or men is a good thing - but isn't this taking things too far? Have these people never been in a relationship?
Sometimes, only a good shouting match will do; there's nothing like a mug-lobbing, insult-exchanging yellfest for seriously clearing the air.
Woody Allen once said that God must have a sick sense of humour to put men and women on the same planet and expect them to get on.
Putting them in the same house sometimes feels like the ultimate triumph of optimism over reality.
Few men ever get over leaving the parental home, and most subconsciously believe clean socks magically appear in drawers and bed linen changes itself.
For women, these beliefs tend to cause just the merest smidgen of frustration.
And however much relationship counsellors tell us that the best way to manage this type of situation is to sit down calmly and politely enunciate "I'm having a slight problem with your laziness", in reality it's never going to win out over jumping up and down and screeching.
Of course, rows don't have to involve shouting. One ex-boyfriend of mine simply walked out of the room when it looked like a row was cranking up: I had to run round the house after him to keep it going.
The key with rowing is to be angry but not malicious; cross but not cruel. Insults are often used as terms of endearment in long relationships, and gentle mockery is often a good thing.
"You're a bit dim, aren't you?" I'm often told as I screw cupboard doors on back to front, sew buttons on backwards and fail every time to get the duvet cover on properly. Practical things just aren't my forte, as I'm regularly reminded.
But as my husband has a mind as retentive as a brandy snap ("Is there anything in the diary for December 25?"), the balance of insults is usually pretty fair.
In long-term relationships, it's possible consistently to toss insults at each other without undermining anyone's social status. "Muppet" is a particular favourite of mine, "idiot" gets tossed into rows quite regularly and, if I'm feeling particularly crushing, "thicko".
Are these undermining to my husband?
In reality, he simply ignores me, but under the new laws I could doubtless be prosecuted for "damaging his social status".
I have been known to lob a handful of pasta at him when reminded for the 16th time not to over-season the arrabiata. Would I now stand charged for assault with a deadly carbohydrate?
Bickering, arguing, nitpicking - call it what you will - is as essential to most relationships as romantic nights away and a regularly serviced dishwasher. Most long-term relationships survive on a mix of love, tolerance and compromise, with the odd explosion thrown in for good measure.
A row is the chance to let rip, to shrug off the mantle of "mature co-existence" and indulge in some seriously childish behaviour. Slamming a door may be particularly infantile, but there's a deep satisfaction from flinging one shut in a fury.
Of course, lobbing plates is not something to be encouraged - but neither is the idea of trying to exist in a relationship where never a cross word is spoken.
Frustration needs to be vented, and every couple deals with the irritations of living together in different ways, whether it's lobbing the odd root vegetable or dispatching each other for a night on the sofa without any bedding.
Ironically, far from damaging a relationship, a good row can often provoke a positive glow. When my husband yells that I'm a difficult, demanding old haddock, well, then I know he really cares.
Most weary moms spend a good proportion of their time reminding their little brats that lobbing a ball/brick/toy/bowl of muesli at the floor/wall/dog/mom's head is Not A Good Thing.
It's only when you reach adulthood that you realise this is a fib: there are times when throwing something is a Very Good Thing Indeed.
'When my husband yells that I'm a difficult old haddock, well, then I know he really cares'
There is nothing like lobbing an onion at the head of a patronising partner to soothe deepest irritation. And I have it on good authority that the odd plate hurled at a wall in times of emotional crisis can pretty much save a marriage.
Most couples have been happily chucking stuff at each other for years - plates, pillows, threats, insults. But all that is about to change. In future, if Britons so much as raise a side plate in anger, they're likely to be carted off to court.
The Crown Prosecution Service has produced a policy document which stipulates that crockery throwing, along with "undermining your partner's social status" and financial bullying, is not acceptable between spouses any longer.
Of course, anything that lessens the risk of serious domestic violence for women or men is a good thing - but isn't this taking things too far? Have these people never been in a relationship?
Sometimes, only a good shouting match will do; there's nothing like a mug-lobbing, insult-exchanging yellfest for seriously clearing the air.
Woody Allen once said that God must have a sick sense of humour to put men and women on the same planet and expect them to get on.
Putting them in the same house sometimes feels like the ultimate triumph of optimism over reality.
Few men ever get over leaving the parental home, and most subconsciously believe clean socks magically appear in drawers and bed linen changes itself.
For women, these beliefs tend to cause just the merest smidgen of frustration.
And however much relationship counsellors tell us that the best way to manage this type of situation is to sit down calmly and politely enunciate "I'm having a slight problem with your laziness", in reality it's never going to win out over jumping up and down and screeching.
Of course, rows don't have to involve shouting. One ex-boyfriend of mine simply walked out of the room when it looked like a row was cranking up: I had to run round the house after him to keep it going.
The key with rowing is to be angry but not malicious; cross but not cruel. Insults are often used as terms of endearment in long relationships, and gentle mockery is often a good thing.
"You're a bit dim, aren't you?" I'm often told as I screw cupboard doors on back to front, sew buttons on backwards and fail every time to get the duvet cover on properly. Practical things just aren't my forte, as I'm regularly reminded.
But as my husband has a mind as retentive as a brandy snap ("Is there anything in the diary for December 25?"), the balance of insults is usually pretty fair.
In long-term relationships, it's possible consistently to toss insults at each other without undermining anyone's social status. "Muppet" is a particular favourite of mine, "idiot" gets tossed into rows quite regularly and, if I'm feeling particularly crushing, "thicko".
Are these undermining to my husband?
In reality, he simply ignores me, but under the new laws I could doubtless be prosecuted for "damaging his social status".
I have been known to lob a handful of pasta at him when reminded for the 16th time not to over-season the arrabiata. Would I now stand charged for assault with a deadly carbohydrate?
Bickering, arguing, nitpicking - call it what you will - is as essential to most relationships as romantic nights away and a regularly serviced dishwasher. Most long-term relationships survive on a mix of love, tolerance and compromise, with the odd explosion thrown in for good measure.
A row is the chance to let rip, to shrug off the mantle of "mature co-existence" and indulge in some seriously childish behaviour. Slamming a door may be particularly infantile, but there's a deep satisfaction from flinging one shut in a fury.
Of course, lobbing plates is not something to be encouraged - but neither is the idea of trying to exist in a relationship where never a cross word is spoken.
Frustration needs to be vented, and every couple deals with the irritations of living together in different ways, whether it's lobbing the odd root vegetable or dispatching each other for a night on the sofa without any bedding.
Ironically, far from damaging a relationship, a good row can often provoke a positive glow. When my husband yells that I'm a difficult, demanding old haddock, well, then I know he really cares.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
CHARMING WAYS TO FIND YOUR TRUE LOVE IN LIFE
So you've got your eye on someone. When it comes to impressing a potential date, don't worry too much about witty anecdotes and a carefully chosen outfit.
In his new book Simply Irresistible - the Psychology Of Seduction, psychiatrist and TV presenter Dr Raj Persaud
According to British consultant psychiatrist, broadcaster, and author of popular books about psychiatry Raj Persaud, there is one psychological trick that is guaranteed to make almost anyone fall in love with you: "Identify your target's favourite emotion, then simply go out of your way to supply that emotion in quantities that person has never experienced before," he says.
For example: how would you seduce a psychiatrist? Well, psychiatrists like to feel insightful, so if you met a psychiatrist and kept subtly responding to them in a way that led them to believe they are incredibly insightful, it's highly likely they would develop a deep bond with you.
"Particularly if you make sure they always feel much more insightful in your company than in anyone else's," he adds.
You don't have to be so crass as to keep complimenting them on how insightful they are, however. Instead, respond to them in such a way that they get a strong sense that their insights are amazing and constantly welcome.
• When it comes to the dating game, being shy is not the dating handicap you might have thought it was - in fact, it can be a real bonus. "In numerous research groups, shyness in a person is usually rated as an extremely attractive personality trait," says Persaud.
"The shy are often found more appealing than those who are socially assertive. So if you are shy, see your reticence as a part of you with which many other people can identify (almost 50 percent of people rate themselves as shy in surveys). Your shyness can be something that connects you with others rather than distancing you from them."
• If you want an intelligent partner, seek out a man with body hair. A recent study conducted by psychiatrist Dr Aikarakudy Alias, who has been working on the relationship between body hair and intelligence for 22 years, showed that hairy chests are more likely to be found among the most intelligent and highly educated than in the general population. Excessive body hair could also mean higher intelligence.
Dr Alias's research, which focused on medical students in the United States, showed that 45 percent of male doctors in training were "very hairy", compared with less than 10 percent of men overall. In a region of southern India, research among medical and engineering students and manual labourers found that both groups of students had more body hair on average than the manual workers.
Further investigations showed that when academic ranking among students was examined, the hairier men got better grades.
Taking this study one step further, Dr Alias studied 117 Mensa members (who have an IQ of at least 140) and found that this group tended to have thick body hair. Some of the most intelligent men were those with hair on their backs as well as on their chests.
• Ever thought breast enhancement or a nose job might boost your chances of dating success? It won't.
The issue of cosmetic surgery goes to the heart of one of the deepest dilemmas in relationships between men and women - the issue of truth, says Dr Persaud. Both sexes list honesty as being one of the most valued characteristics in a potential mate.
The psychological problem that has been found with cosmetic surgery is that there is something "not real" about a body after surgery. And if the body no longer appears real or genuine because of artificial enhancement, then there seems something dishonest about the person, too.
This explains male uneasiness about cosmetic surgery, because if a woman is not "real" in this aspect, how honest is she being about the rest of her appearance, or her life? And if a woman's looks matter so much to her that she is willing to risk the scalpel and sacrifice truth on the altar of attraction, will her partner constantly have to tiptoe around this landmine of her appearance?
So, cosmetic surgery to a man often means added stress, and the extra tension of constantly wondering if he has reassured a woman enough about her looks, given how much work she has put into them. Men want women to look fabulous, but to achieve this effortlessly without having to labour at it.
• You think you've met someone special - but you're still have nagging doubts about whether this is the best relationship for you.
Psychological research into love has found that, with the right questions, it is possible to predict which relationships are on firm foundations.
Results of tests similar to this have been found to be strongly indicative of the course of a relationship.
Just as everyone has different tastes when it comes to food, the same applies to sex. You would not dream of going into a restaurant and simply letting other people choose your meal for you - but that is exactly how most people approach sex.
There is no way of making love which is guaranteed to please everyone, just as there is no one meal which everyone likes. Also, even if you are served your favourite meal every day, the likelihood is that a change will add spice. But no changes will occur if they are not requested.
Not asking for what you want in bed is the number one reason for an unsatisfactory sex life. It is amazing the consequences that can arise simply because most people are too embarrassed to ask their partner about their sexual preferences. Men may even resort to straying because they feel unable to ask for a particular sexual favour when their partner might not have minded bestowing it at all - had he only asked.
Women might complain that their husbands are "no good in bed", and go off sex or have an affair, yet at no time do they let their partner know what they want. Another problem is that many people think the other person ought to know what they want, or that by dropping hints or using body language they have already conveyed clearly what they want. There really is no substitute for a frank conversation about sex.
Timing is all-important. Asking for what you really want just after sex, for instance, may sound like a dissatisfied complaint. Instead, bring the subject up when sex is not actually on the agenda. Also remember that sex is reciprocal: it is best to start the conversation off by asking what the other partner would like before pitching in with what you want.
Communication about sex works best when it is a form of trading, where both partners agree to changes. In other words, you will do something for your partner if he or she will do something for you. If you start talking about sex in a way that suggests it is only the other person who must make changes, then this is likely to result in defensiveness and hurt.
Many people object to talking about sex because they believe it ought to be spontaneous and natural, but sex can be spontaneous only when you and your partner can take part confidently, knowing what the other person likes. And you can only get to that stage by talking to each other.
In his new book Simply Irresistible - the Psychology Of Seduction, psychiatrist and TV presenter Dr Raj Persaud
According to British consultant psychiatrist, broadcaster, and author of popular books about psychiatry Raj Persaud, there is one psychological trick that is guaranteed to make almost anyone fall in love with you: "Identify your target's favourite emotion, then simply go out of your way to supply that emotion in quantities that person has never experienced before," he says.
For example: how would you seduce a psychiatrist? Well, psychiatrists like to feel insightful, so if you met a psychiatrist and kept subtly responding to them in a way that led them to believe they are incredibly insightful, it's highly likely they would develop a deep bond with you.
"Particularly if you make sure they always feel much more insightful in your company than in anyone else's," he adds.
You don't have to be so crass as to keep complimenting them on how insightful they are, however. Instead, respond to them in such a way that they get a strong sense that their insights are amazing and constantly welcome.
• When it comes to the dating game, being shy is not the dating handicap you might have thought it was - in fact, it can be a real bonus. "In numerous research groups, shyness in a person is usually rated as an extremely attractive personality trait," says Persaud.
"The shy are often found more appealing than those who are socially assertive. So if you are shy, see your reticence as a part of you with which many other people can identify (almost 50 percent of people rate themselves as shy in surveys). Your shyness can be something that connects you with others rather than distancing you from them."
• If you want an intelligent partner, seek out a man with body hair. A recent study conducted by psychiatrist Dr Aikarakudy Alias, who has been working on the relationship between body hair and intelligence for 22 years, showed that hairy chests are more likely to be found among the most intelligent and highly educated than in the general population. Excessive body hair could also mean higher intelligence.
Dr Alias's research, which focused on medical students in the United States, showed that 45 percent of male doctors in training were "very hairy", compared with less than 10 percent of men overall. In a region of southern India, research among medical and engineering students and manual labourers found that both groups of students had more body hair on average than the manual workers.
Further investigations showed that when academic ranking among students was examined, the hairier men got better grades.
Taking this study one step further, Dr Alias studied 117 Mensa members (who have an IQ of at least 140) and found that this group tended to have thick body hair. Some of the most intelligent men were those with hair on their backs as well as on their chests.
• Ever thought breast enhancement or a nose job might boost your chances of dating success? It won't.
The issue of cosmetic surgery goes to the heart of one of the deepest dilemmas in relationships between men and women - the issue of truth, says Dr Persaud. Both sexes list honesty as being one of the most valued characteristics in a potential mate.
The psychological problem that has been found with cosmetic surgery is that there is something "not real" about a body after surgery. And if the body no longer appears real or genuine because of artificial enhancement, then there seems something dishonest about the person, too.
This explains male uneasiness about cosmetic surgery, because if a woman is not "real" in this aspect, how honest is she being about the rest of her appearance, or her life? And if a woman's looks matter so much to her that she is willing to risk the scalpel and sacrifice truth on the altar of attraction, will her partner constantly have to tiptoe around this landmine of her appearance?
So, cosmetic surgery to a man often means added stress, and the extra tension of constantly wondering if he has reassured a woman enough about her looks, given how much work she has put into them. Men want women to look fabulous, but to achieve this effortlessly without having to labour at it.
• You think you've met someone special - but you're still have nagging doubts about whether this is the best relationship for you.
Psychological research into love has found that, with the right questions, it is possible to predict which relationships are on firm foundations.
Results of tests similar to this have been found to be strongly indicative of the course of a relationship.
Just as everyone has different tastes when it comes to food, the same applies to sex. You would not dream of going into a restaurant and simply letting other people choose your meal for you - but that is exactly how most people approach sex.
There is no way of making love which is guaranteed to please everyone, just as there is no one meal which everyone likes. Also, even if you are served your favourite meal every day, the likelihood is that a change will add spice. But no changes will occur if they are not requested.
Not asking for what you want in bed is the number one reason for an unsatisfactory sex life. It is amazing the consequences that can arise simply because most people are too embarrassed to ask their partner about their sexual preferences. Men may even resort to straying because they feel unable to ask for a particular sexual favour when their partner might not have minded bestowing it at all - had he only asked.
Women might complain that their husbands are "no good in bed", and go off sex or have an affair, yet at no time do they let their partner know what they want. Another problem is that many people think the other person ought to know what they want, or that by dropping hints or using body language they have already conveyed clearly what they want. There really is no substitute for a frank conversation about sex.
Timing is all-important. Asking for what you really want just after sex, for instance, may sound like a dissatisfied complaint. Instead, bring the subject up when sex is not actually on the agenda. Also remember that sex is reciprocal: it is best to start the conversation off by asking what the other partner would like before pitching in with what you want.
Communication about sex works best when it is a form of trading, where both partners agree to changes. In other words, you will do something for your partner if he or she will do something for you. If you start talking about sex in a way that suggests it is only the other person who must make changes, then this is likely to result in defensiveness and hurt.
Many people object to talking about sex because they believe it ought to be spontaneous and natural, but sex can be spontaneous only when you and your partner can take part confidently, knowing what the other person likes. And you can only get to that stage by talking to each other.
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