EVERY MARRIAGE NEEDS A FLING

Throwing things, as all well-behaved children know, is not acceptable.

Most weary moms spend a good proportion of their time reminding their little brats that lobbing a ball/brick/toy/bowl of muesli at the floor/wall/dog/mom's head is Not A Good Thing.

It's only when you reach adulthood that you realise this is a fib: there are times when throwing something is a Very Good Thing Indeed.
'When my husband yells that I'm a difficult old haddock, well, then I know he really cares'
There is nothing like lobbing an onion at the head of a patronising partner to soothe deepest irritation. And I have it on good authority that the odd plate hurled at a wall in times of emotional crisis can pretty much save a marriage.

Most couples have been happily chucking stuff at each other for years - plates, pillows, threats, insults. But all that is about to change. In future, if Britons so much as raise a side plate in anger, they're likely to be carted off to court.

The Crown Prosecution Service has produced a policy document which stipulates that crockery throwing, along with "undermining your partner's social status" and financial bullying, is not acceptable between spouses any longer.

Of course, anything that lessens the risk of serious domestic violence for women or men is a good thing - but isn't this taking things too far? Have these people never been in a relationship?

Sometimes, only a good shouting match will do; there's nothing like a mug-lobbing, insult-exchanging yellfest for seriously clearing the air.

Woody Allen once said that God must have a sick sense of humour to put men and women on the same planet and expect them to get on.

Putting them in the same house sometimes feels like the ultimate triumph of optimism over reality.

Few men ever get over leaving the parental home, and most subconsciously believe clean socks magically appear in drawers and bed linen changes itself.

For women, these beliefs tend to cause just the merest smidgen of frustration.

And however much relationship counsellors tell us that the best way to manage this type of situation is to sit down calmly and politely enunciate "I'm having a slight problem with your laziness", in reality it's never going to win out over jumping up and down and screeching.

Of course, rows don't have to involve shouting. One ex-boyfriend of mine simply walked out of the room when it looked like a row was cranking up: I had to run round the house after him to keep it going.

The key with rowing is to be angry but not malicious; cross but not cruel. Insults are often used as terms of endearment in long relationships, and gentle mockery is often a good thing.

"You're a bit dim, aren't you?" I'm often told as I screw cupboard doors on back to front, sew buttons on backwards and fail every time to get the duvet cover on properly. Practical things just aren't my forte, as I'm regularly reminded.

But as my husband has a mind as retentive as a brandy snap ("Is there anything in the diary for December 25?"), the balance of insults is usually pretty fair.

In long-term relationships, it's possible consistently to toss insults at each other without undermining anyone's social status. "Muppet" is a particular favourite of mine, "idiot" gets tossed into rows quite regularly and, if I'm feeling particularly crushing, "thicko".

Are these undermining to my husband?

In reality, he simply ignores me, but under the new laws I could doubtless be prosecuted for "damaging his social status".

I have been known to lob a handful of pasta at him when reminded for the 16th time not to over-season the arrabiata. Would I now stand charged for assault with a deadly carbohydrate?

Bickering, arguing, nitpicking - call it what you will - is as essential to most relationships as romantic nights away and a regularly serviced dishwasher. Most long-term relationships survive on a mix of love, tolerance and compromise, with the odd explosion thrown in for good measure.

A row is the chance to let rip, to shrug off the mantle of "mature co-existence" and indulge in some seriously childish behaviour. Slamming a door may be particularly infantile, but there's a deep satisfaction from flinging one shut in a fury.

Of course, lobbing plates is not something to be encouraged - but neither is the idea of trying to exist in a relationship where never a cross word is spoken.

Frustration needs to be vented, and every couple deals with the irritations of living together in different ways, whether it's lobbing the odd root vegetable or dispatching each other for a night on the sofa without any bedding.

Ironically, far from damaging a relationship, a good row can often provoke a positive glow. When my husband yells that I'm a difficult, demanding old haddock, well, then I know he really cares.